um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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