cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize