8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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