It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
