I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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