so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
birth control should be required to get into college
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
