Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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