is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
