already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
