ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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