everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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