the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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