this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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