and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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