he wants to bone in the snuggie
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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