my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
