I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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