I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
