I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
