Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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