i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
