I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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