Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
