i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
