this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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