I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
