the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
