I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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