New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
