My liver just broke up with me...
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
