Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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