So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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