Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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