i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
