just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
