i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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