Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
