WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
