Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
