Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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