Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
