Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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