apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
