You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
