When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
