and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
