Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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