You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
