tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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