i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
