The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When did angry sex become our thing?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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