the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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