there's paper in my vomit.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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