i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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