i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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