I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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