there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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