I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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