Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
