I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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