K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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