I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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