Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
