I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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