party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
