i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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