My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
